Life is like high school
When you’re in high school, it’s all about popularity, cliques, and being cool.
When you go to college, the focus shifts to academic achievement.
Many people get out of college thinking the world will be like that — like the harder you work, the more you’ll be rewarded. But it’s not.
Life is like high school. It’s all about how you come across, how social you are, what scene you’re in, being likeable, and being cool.
But you can make this work in your favor.
You can be your idealized self.
You can be where things are happening.
You can attend cool events, and invite people to join you.
You can practice your social skills and be the kind of person that people like to help.
You can approach this strategically, as if you were a new kid going to a new school, with a goal to be popular. It sounds shallow, but it works.
Be who they want to be. In your role as a musician, it’s actually considerate!
It’d be easier to put in no effort and be normal. Show up wearing whatever, take a normal photo, and be a regular person.
But people want someone to look up to. Someone who’s not of their normal boring world. Someone who’s being who they wish they could be, if they had the courage.
It takes some extra effort to look and act cool instead of normal, but it’s considerate and part of your art.
Look back at artists like Andy Warhol or Miles Davis, who were not only great at their art, but also knew how to play their image — to be cool.
I only recently found your blog, I love what I've read so far. (Hence trolling back to the early days.) There is so much quality in your archives!
This post is relevant to a conversation I was recently having re: government funded arts. (Especially grant committees made up of non-artists.)
Life is like high-school. I'll be hunting pretty girls to kiss, and trying not to get beat up by the thugs who wish they had the courage to talk to girls.
Cheers!
Derek,
Your content is so kick ass! Seriously man.
I recently came to the same conclusion that you made in this article. I thought for years (like a fool) that I could shut myself off from the rest of the world and build a business by myself. I refused to network with other business people. Even after being in business for a decade, I was still making stupid mistakes that none of my peers who had survived that long in business were making. My peers were all crushing it with their businesses by that point. I was still struggling to make that transition from self-employment to actual business owner who runs a real self-sustaining company.
Eventually I came to the realization that it was my own refusal to network with other people and my refusal to rely on other people to help me that was holding me back.
You can't be afraid to get to know new people. If you just put yourself out there and have a pleasing personality, other people you connect with are going to want to help you to succeed.
When you get to know the right people, things start happening.
you are a cool dude. Seriously man!
You've made me realize that shutting my self out from the rest of the world makes me no better than a lonely sadist. Thanks man. You are really reaching out to people out there.
Thanks for a great article making music is path to find your pack howl an have a wild n wicked good time along the way!
Bloody kisses
Scareifina
Since you said you're editing this for publication, I'll pedantically point out that "clicks" (line 4) presumably should be "cliques"
Wow! Thank you! — Derek
In the real economic world I'm doing OK. with no need to market. So this fine post doesn't apply to me.
As it happens, back in high school, my policy was to let the majority less caring person think I was about ten per cent "lesser" than I really was, as in I wouldn't do the little cool tricks.
I did so feeling quite assured that the more caring persons, in the minority, would have enough self esteem to take a second look at me. It's like how I judge others with my own eyes, not on their spurious reputation.
Besides being stubborn, my motivation may have come from Jesus saying not to push and shove at the wedding table line seat up, but instead to sit at the end... and see if you are invited up.
This brings up an interesting conundrum with two opposing sides. A conundrum which I've never been able to resolve in my own career, be it in written form or talking to fans in person. These opposite sides appear in a number of your posts Derek, so I thought maybe you have some thoughts on this. I've read many articles pushing one side or the other elsewhere, but I've never seen a resolution to them. I'll explain with some quotes form your posts:
Approach One: (From this post)
"people want someone to look up to. Someone who’s not of their normal boring world. Someone who’s being who they wish they could be, if they had the courage....It takes some extra effort to look and act cool instead of normal"
Approach Two: (from "Don’t try to sound big")
"Don’t appear flawless... vunerability endears....Your fans are your friends. Speak to them like real people... Be a real person. Write every post or email as if it was from you to your best friend... don’t try to sound bigger than you are."
These appear to be opposite approaches. One is saying "hey I'm just like you" The other is saying "I'm the cool talented person you wish you were". I can't put these two views together into anything I can make sense of.
I've tried both approaches, neither one seems to work well with all people. Some people seem to want one approach, others respond better to the the opposite approach. But I can never tell which they want in advance!
I remember a famous actor, I think it was Russel Crow, talking about this exact same dilemma. He found it a real problem, but didn't have a solution. I've never found a way or heard a way of resolving these two opposing approaches, but I do constantly read advice for musicians pushing one side or the other. Derek, since you are presenting both sides in different posts (which is unusual), I though maybe you had some insight into how to bring together these two seemingly opposite approaches.
Hello Antiphones, above.
I sense you are concerned with both performing life and real life.
As I write this, I am getting ready for another day at a conference for readers, writers and publishers (called When Words Collide, here in Calgary)
Writers are comparable to computer nerds in that they don't go in for show. Editors too, since the work is low paid. Even the ones with an acting background don't go about with "energy and concentration" in a sort of role. The famous people here put their energy into being themselves. It's amusing to see folks of contrasting fame at the same table, all being real. The respect is real, and the humbleness is real too.
I suppose as artists we have a radar for people who are posing, or have "too much" ego, and so that wouldn't work for anyone in our community.
Antiphones, think of the word "stage name." I could be cool on stage, and mingling in the crowd ... and yet be real when I ride the bus on Wednesday afternoon. (I am told a lot of "stars" rode the bus or drove rusty cars back in the day when record labels had all the power to exploit)
After (the former) Ziggy Stardust passed away, I read that he used to walk the streets of New York early in the morning in normal clothes. I am sure he wasn't summoning up any "centering grounding energy" at that time, just being natural.
In my real life, if I am never on stage, then Derek's advice to" practise social skills and be the kind of person" means, for me, being a kind person. Like Doctor Who. In my real life, people would like me to be safe and supportive, authentic and real—and part of being real is having ongoing problems and vulnerabilities. The 12th Doctor, the one my age, said (I think), "And above all, be kind."
I don't see people as "looking up to me" but I do see them, in our everyday world, as "appreciating me" if I am able to "push the envelope" and be a little bit more of what we would like to be ourselves, if only we had the nerve.
We can't all project kindness, Antiphones, but surely you have some quality you could project, such as humor, or being witty or a clown (I prefer just humor) or a slight flamboyance the rest of us can't do, or wearing colours, or knowing lots of interesting facts. Unlike high school, people can love you for having knowledge or thoughts... especially if they have hope that they can do the same, and that you aren't being arrogant.
A lot of us are living out the stereotypes for our gender, so if you can push that envelope you give hope to all of us.
In conclusion, while your conundrum remains, I can only say: think of how you can help and give hope.
Hello Antiphone, and others,
It's me again.
I want to say the key word is intention.
See Derek's post nine headlines below called "Captain T." In that post, and this one, Derek uses the word consideration. Derek was considerate that, unlike Wall Street suits, the college kids would appreciate craziness. With Wall Street, Derek would consider their need for safe formality.
Mr. A, your phrase can go both ways, "I'm the cool talented person you wish you were." A few folks will always misinterpret you, and that's life, but is your intention to be egotistic, which can slightly hurt others? Or is it to be considerate?
When the 12th Doctor Who had long hair, sunglasses and a loud electric guitar, I still sensed he was trying to be a good man. So I wasn't turned off, even though I'm a short haired guy who listens to Enya.
In one of my first jobs my boss told me goals have to precede objectives. I think if your goal rests on consideration for others then things will work out, in terms of how you are perceived, down the road. This I believe, maybe in a zen buddhist way, but I believe.
... I once gleaned something from a newspaper interview with one of the members of the heavy metal band KISS. The ones with the crazy makeup. They could have exploited their fans to be a novelty, made a quick million each and then retired. They didn't. I think their bottom goal was to be true musicians, and so they stuck around, and somehow this goal meant better music. Which their fans appreciated.
No, I'm not a head-banger myself, but I will—ahem!— "look up to," or rather, "be inspired by," someone professional, such as that KISS guy.
So true. It’s not what you know, it’s who you know.
I have a hard time conceiving of a more profoundly depressing thought than "Life is like high school." A terrible time for me in a place I'm happy to forget.
To David Lemire, above: I hear you, brother.
During high school, I thought I would sure be glad when we all grew up to be less weak—especially the cruelest clones—and acquired self esteem and confidence. Well. I now think weak people, and conformity-types, persist into adult life, (see office politics) and so I pick my peer groups carefully.
This morning I finished another Wall Street book by Michael Lewis, "The Big Short," and right now I am under the spell of his world where the majority are cruel and dishonestly out to mess with the little guy, as is lower class American investors. Lewis describes the rare few who foresaw the Wall Street melt down as being "characters" whose warnings went unheeded by the dishonest majority. Ya, like how in high school the earnest, too-honest-to-lie nerds and artists were "individuals" compared to the need-to-be-dishonest-to-conform cool majority.
The good news is that in the real world one can join much smaller groups than in a vast high school, groups such as clubs and hobbies and charities where your status is not from how much you serve anxious teens by conforming, but from how much you serve by helping the group reach its goals. Like how we clap for volunteers. Like how in a sports club team the best players have more status, including the fellow known to sacrifice his own goal scoring to do assists.
Being selfish now is not as incentivized as it was back in high school, where nearly all our energy went into growing up, with little to spare for group tasks. (often sacrificed to impulsive outbursts and put downs) Lord Baden-Powell showed great discernment for growth by asking his Boy Scouts to secretly do a good turn every day.
Wall Street attracts the worst of us, but other places reward my better nature. A good thought: People who read Derek's posts are not only trying to learn skills, but to grow stronger.
Knowing that people are weak, I try to forgive them, and to be careful to know my own strength. A metaphor: When the hike is hard it's normal to look down at my boots, but instead I encourage others to see the pretty clouds.
Afterthought: Being a sensitive artist does not make me weak, as I am not fragile and breakable, I'm just sensitive.
Interesting.
I do resonate with the sentiment. Especially the "But people want someone to look up to. Someone who’s not of their normal boring world. Someone who’s being who they wish they could be, if they had the courage."
I do think that of people, especially as it relates to fashion, expression, etc.
The "You can attend cool events" part made me think, "what cool events do I want to attend to?" Because I certainly have priorities. I find the Oscars cool, but I don't feel super compelled to attend.
Some events I actually want to go to:
- Formula 1 Grands Prix: most of them but mainly Monaco, Singapore, Miami, and the upcoming Madrid one.
- Events at many "private" car collections: Petersen Museum (the basement), the Chelsea 1979 collection at Mclaren Barcelona, the A122 Seat building/museum.