the birth and reverb of friendship

So proud to be your first best friend. I moved to the US from Italy in 1982 and if hadn’t been for you, I would never have overcome the culture shock. It was all so overwhelming so different. Luckily I found you - someone who I connected with - and we ended up sharing that daunting high school life. It was enriching, fun and intense. Now we as far from each other as we possibly could be - 12,000miles (the antipodal distance is 12,429 miles) - but technology allows us to just press a button a talk just like before. Love you Derek.

Friends are the greatest gift life has to offer. By your reasoning, my life began at 4 when I met my first best friend.

I try to be a good listener. The way others know I see them is if my eyes light up at something they said, and I say, "Wow, let me tell you about something similar about me!" and "Wow, I understand, let me tell you how I see this!"

When I was a news reporter I never just interviewed; I spoke too, because I thought that was more polite and real.

Come to think of it, when I listen to an eccentric loner who is a stranger, I speak a bit, so that they know I'm not just listening out of politeness or pity. And so I can validate them a bit, because I believe loners don't get enough validation for their strange views.

Derek with a full head of hair is shocking yet wonderful haha! :)

I'm 59 and was raised in Yonkers, NY bordering New York City. At 17 I went to college in Western, New York (SUNY Fredonia) which was 420 miles away from the world I was comfortable in. Fortunately I made friends quickly thanks to my guitar playing which drew them close like hummingbirds to sugar water. One of those friends became the best friend of my life, John Schuessler. John was from Depew, New York near Buffalo which is a working class town. John had a voice of gold and he could play folk rock really well with good strumming technique. His voice was so rich that I preferred his way of singing Beatles, Bread, and the Eagles more than the original recordings. John was fascinated with my New York accent, my worldliness, and my love of music and guitar. Less than a year later we moved off campus to a house that John found where we lived for the next four years growing from immature young men to men. He allowed me to teach him guitar and he taught me to sing, a gift that I think about and utilize every day now. He was the best listener I ever met. True friends are like mirrors. When you talk to them they allow you to see yourself, they allow you to define yourself, but unlike mirrors they allow you to reciprocate. In this process we develope a unique and private language that only we can understand and benefit from. Three years ago John was diagnosed with an aggressive brain cancer. He died over a year ago. Cherish your friends now. I wrote John a song when he was diagnosed called, Power to Heal, and I promised him I'd publish it. Here it is: youtu.be/FoMuiXmE3-8?si=hmX9exJRvI-CtSuh

I agree: close friendship is true validation. I had a close friend, though, who took advantage of me for her own gain. I said goodbye to her forever. It was painful but clearly she no longer validated me. I could not validate her anymore.

This back and forth when it’s about ideas and such I sometimes call Intellectual Jazz. So very fun to jam with other smart people who think about interesting things and love to share.

Conception versus birth. What a beautiful line

I enjoyed this piece of writing thanks for sharing

I found something like this when I was studying abroad in Shanghai. A community of 300 people, friends - all living within a mile of each other that you can reverb off of. It truly made it feel like you were alive!

The last 15 years of my life I've been trying to figure out how to create a community like that, but like your last post, just because these relationships (community) ends, doesn't mean it's a failure. But it does get lonely and sad not being able to be in that happy environment everyday. It's like a drug. Maybe life is a drug. It'll all be gone soon!

The tossing thoughts back and forth really resinated with me, I find it rare to find those types of friends. The people willing to have the what if conversations or talk about making a movie based on some dream you had - knowing the whole time you'll most likely never film make a movie. The conversation IS the movie.

I created an app to have these exact types of conversations with those friends who I rarely get to see, because of where we live. I don't mean to self promote but if the article resinates, maybe the app will too. It's called Roads Audio.

That's such a gorgeous photo of you and Sharon, Derek. And your commentary on friendship is equally beautiful. Much love and all good things to you and Sharon.

This resonated with me deeply:

"I recently knew someone that would listen but never respond.
Thoughts went in but never came out.
I loved her but was lonely around her."

I love the momentum that comes from the tossing of thoughts. My best friend (who happens to be my partner) is also my biggest enabler. I enjoy the mutual reverb that we share, and he grows my sprouts big time.

My father was an Engineer in the Railways in India and hence we were subjected to frequent transfers.I had to make friends again although I was a shy types these encounters with new friends in the Railway colonies I still treasure the most.
I have been lucky to have great friends who have helped me in becoming the individual I am.
Now I am in my early 50's but still treasure the childhood friends and thank them from the bottom of my heart for all the incredible sweet memories they have given me.
Thanks Derek for reminding me of those fond memories which I will treasure my whole life.

I enjoyed all the articles that came together with this one, specially the two articles about romantic relationships.

I recently knew someone that would listen but never respond.
Thoughts went in but never came out.

Yes, that hurts.
Thanks for sharing this.

Such an important line "someone sees you".

I wonder if there's something in our subconscious that makes certain people "click" or if it's just fate (or both?!)

I find it amazing I feel envious and awe about your writing style at the same time. I feel envious because I wish to have such a concise and clear yet poetic writing style as you, and I feel awe because reading your words makes the hair on my skin tingle. Thanks for existing and doing all this work <3

I read this before bed, then again when I awoke. At first it made me think about my early friendships and the depth of their content. We mostly did what "boys do", I don't recall the feeling of not being seen. When I began to question life, question religion, ask about the universe, that's when I started to feel alone. I turn 40 this month and I'm still seeking out those friendships as they are rare to find. Also for whatever reason a Wilco lyric keeps coming to mind "I've never been alone, long enough to know, if I ever was a child." It feels good to be seen, no matter who the person is. It hurts to not be seen, or at least feel the effort by those you love.

“If a tree falls and the reverb comes back a quack”. What a beautiful illustration of the dissonance often felt around people who simply don’t “get you”. Once again, I am impressed and delighted at your ability to plainly write about an emotion I’ve felt many times. You hit the nail on the head, Mr. Sivers.

To play with someone, to have them throw the ball back (and not keep it for themselves); then teach you a new curve (reverb), spin, arch, or pace.... is the joy of co-exploration.

Thanks for this thought!

I appreciate this so much....Yes, a tree will always make noise when it falls....Because I can't hear it doesn't mean it has fallen....The part of listening is so so so important when we are friends to someone....But listening and speaking the truth is even better.....

I am so glad you meet your best friend Sharon....You would have never, maybe, been a tree to many of us who know you as the previous owner of CDBABY.....You made a lot of noise for us to hear and learn...


Have a great day Derek you and your family.....I guess your son is a teenager by now.....(smile) Now, you have to make sure you listen as he may say and do things that you may not like....Listen and be slow to speak....(smile)

This reminds me of being younger. That feeling when I was a kid, that feeling when I lived with roomates in my twenties, those were the times I had real friends. People who wanted to just hang out and know each other. The older I have gotten, the less I have met people who view relationship as a connection, as opposed to a transaction. I will be your friend if you also help me move and attend my Christmas parties. Fewer and fewer people as I age seem to want to know someone just because. I like how you talk about friends bring us validation. It’s so true. Nothing gives me more of a sense of well being and security than feeling heard.

Hi Derek,

It seems to me you are bringing up all forms of validation. There's the version where someone is literally not seen (ghost), seen and understood for who they are, not seen because there is no acknowledgement of being seen (listening w/o ever responding), and mis-seen (an inaccurate reflection leaves you with no understanding of the impact you have on them and makes you wonder if they even know you're there or they're imagining someone or something else).

The other interaction I thought of that you didn't bring up is the person that listens to respond instead of to hear. I know you mentioned that you are thankful for friends that can toss ideas back and forth. I think so long as a person allows enough space for hearing the other, the back and forth works. For someone who is prone to listening to respond (this guy), an extra pause can be a useful pattern interrupt to ensure the other person is heard for you they are and what they intend to say. Thank you for the chance to get my thoughts out there in response to your written thoughts. This is me tossing my thoughts back to you.
☺ — Derek

Really appreciated this one. The older I get, the more I realize how friends have shaped my reality. Especially the friends I no longer talk with, but continue to love from afar. Sometimes I wish I could go back and relive some of those moments that I didn’t realize would define me… but linear time continues to defeat me.

Have been thinking of this quote by Maya Angelou recently: “I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

This resonates deeply with me, as it emphasises the lasting impact of our interactions—both positive and negative. It serves as a reminder to strive for kindness and empathy in our daily lives and to create meaningful experiences that leave a lasting impression on those around us, irrespective of how long or fleeting the time shared.

Beautiful. Another way to see the world that we inhabit. A lens that says we can see the start anytime on the continuum of life anywhere when we feel validated. A possible life with multiple births and differing parallel and sometimes intersecting timelines that bon and weave. A wedding is a time where these events collide, at least they did for me. Thanks for that post Derek

Chris

There is something wonderful about coming across someone who understands you at a higher level than what you have experienced before. You feel seen like you have described here. Whenever this happens, it is like life suddenly comes more to life, and it is more worth being here. Long live the great moments and connection.

Oh, so good! I agree! When I was in school, I had many friends. Now I'm alone most of the time.
"I recently knew someone that would listen but never respond.
Thoughts went in but never came out.
I loved her but was lonely around her."
Guess what? I have a friend who is my elementary school classmate. Whenever I encounter something unhappy, I tell her through WeChat. She would listen but never respond.
At the beginning, I had something very upsetting, and I confided it to her, and she would patiently answer my questions.
Now when I encounter unhappy things, I will talk to her.
I felt lonely some time ago, it turned out that it was because she didn't answer.
Now I try to talk to her as little as possible.
I am grateful to her.

🎶 That's what friends are for...🎵

There's a song in here somewhere;)

Lovely.
My experience lately, surely because I'm around people mostly in their 50s:
it seems the longer a person is alive, the more entrenched thought becomes, the more one's attention becomes affixed to Thought.
Most people become like mellotrons -- anything you say, it's like hitting a tape loop in their memories waiting to be played.
There's no room, no space, for actually listening and responding in real time, in the moment, where fresh impressions can occur, and authentic connections, and fun banter.
I seem to have lost most of my friends to Thought, to tape loops, to mind stuff!
True for you?
Agreed, but I don't stay friends with those types. — Derek

Ohhh!! I love that story Derek!!!
She's beautiful and you look so full of life!!
I was just thinking about you and wondering how you were!!
Love to you DEREK!!
Rachel :-)

I can relate to feeling like a ghost. Curious: did/do you feel misunderstood by your family? That's an uneasy topic for me. Society claims family is sacred, but what if they seem to bring out the worst in you? Does the specialness of familial relationships matter more than unobstructed personal fulfillment? Maybe, despite some sacrifice, being the positive influence your family needs is a recipe for even deeper fulfillment--I don't know. Very interested in your thoughts if you feel like sharing.

A Philosophical Friendship Angle.

Situations:
A) Responds -- Agree-able or Promoting Friendship -- Very good to have in the beginning but can it last? As the person will not respond in a way which is against us the friendship may not get deepen and would eventually get lost in value.

B) Responds -- Properly -- Good, are we matured to understand and continue the talk and relationship? If we are not matured enough when a disagree-able word is spoken we may end up the relationship.

C) Responds -- But in a different way -- It raises a doubt about what we have spoken and who are we in reality? Self Doubts and Doubt of whether that other is properly understanding us will eventually end the relationship.

D) Silent -- But shows that they accept us -- Good one, yet are they becoming our bin for our thoughts and emotions! When we did not get a positive response, it becomes difficult for us to improve ourselves with that relationship.

E) Silent -- Not Clear about the feedback -- Results in the same thought process and relationship in case responds but in a different way.

I feel all these 5 dimensions are in a way captured in this blog.

You're talking my language, Derek!

Friendship is a truly valuable gift and the fruit that comes about from true friendship can be amazing.

You look so happy in the picture. It reminds me of good friends I’ve had such a sense of happiness and contentment. Love when I’m with them. But mostly I lost touch with them over the years.

Thank you, that was good to hear...like the alternating thwack of tennis rackets, back and forth. And maybe sometimes you have to run and get the ball so you can get back in there and keep it going...
☺ — Derek

That's so cool. I had the same experience happen with my best friend in high school, Dafydd. He and I were inseparable, went to the same college. I think I'd still be in the middle of nowhere Texas had I not met him.

Thanks for the reminder, keep rocking on! I like what you're doing with the email too, btw.

Your posts are always thought provoking, thanks

Now that is interesting. Yes if a tree falls it will make a sound, that sound will depend upon the ability or the willingness for the receiver to hear depending upon the wall sound that is bouncing around the receivers head.

The echo or reverb will not be true as it escapes the source bouncing of many others and being distorted, creating a false validation.

Perhaps clearing the detritus of noise can enable us to think and hear more clearly to appreciate the power of connections surrounding us!

Love this stuff Derek.

After I read it, I felt deeply touched by this. I could call it a poem. I think the words are beautiful and powerful. It reminds me of some of my friends. I think some of my friends play important roles in my life. And also it reminds me that it is important for people to have some good friends. These friends will keep you company. They understand you. They know who you are. They know what you want to do. They never doubt you. They always support you. I think that is very beautiful. I don't have too many friends, but I do have a few friends. They always support me. When I start to think about that, I feel I am a really happy person and I am so lucky. Yeah.

Love your thoughts on memories and friends. I cannot remember a lot from my childhood or even until late 20s. I am 31 now. I have never had a single close friend. That explains why I keep forgetting important events of my past. Or even finding it hard to recollect any noteworthy time. No bittersweet memories, just a blank page...

Thanks Derek.

Listening is a kind of connection, it strength a theme in the mind both listener and teller. It's luck that you have the confidant.

Aren't we all misunderstood at a certain point in our life? Especially when young? We're strange to some, weirdos to others. But some see through all the noise and ostracized pain we may feel. So, we eventually manage to get some love.

P.S. your whistle idea is dope!

Love it! The not being heard part maybe is the silence between the music notes. Lol

Wow, New Perspective On Validation

This piece resonates deeply, Derek. It’s fascinating how identity isn’t just something we create alone but something that takes shape through reflection—through being truly seen and understood. That idea of "mutual reverb" captures it so well. We grow in the presence of those who acknowledge us, challenge us, and mirror our thoughts back in ways that make sense. It makes me wonder: how many potential versions of ourselves never fully form because they were never reflected back to us?

Thanks for this perspective. It’s a beautiful reminder to be that kind of friend for others, too.

This is beautiful. Thank you.

Friendship and connection are really important for us. I had a few really good friends when I was young and it was good to have each other. We don‘t see this often anymore today and I miss the exchange of thoughts that we had back then.

Hi there Derek,

Yes… great friendships certainly make us grow stronger, wiser and happier. Great friendships have the synergistic effect; greater things can be accomplished in less time, and most importantly, in a happier state of mind.

Great post, thanks for sharing.

"Through that one connection, your life begins."
Love this line. I remind myself when life gets grey that one person can show up out of nowhere and suddenly we're 'in it together,' a new chapter begins.

Sound great to be reading from here again, one of those site I learn the roes from that went on hiatus years back.great way of writing, simple and straight forward.

People need connections in the world. You need to connect with someone whether you are rich or poor. Every connection will bring you experiences and emotions. You always need someone to catch the ball you throw.

What a beautiful and touching story, unfortunately I haven't been able to maintain friendships, I tend to self sabotage out of a lack of trust and I guess I proactively break off my friendships before the other person abandons me first.. but I'm happy for the folks here who have a totally different and more positive experience with friendship, at least someone is happy! =)

Excited for something similar, I am currently looking for a little reverb

What a beautiful reflection. To be truly seen, especially in those early sprouting years, is such a gift. Life, in many ways, begins right there. The rest of the essay resonated deeply too, especially the quiet truths about how it feels to be invisible.

Am I actually a duck?

That line had me laughing out loud!

I am currently unpacking a related idea of "who am I, really? Is there anyone real underneath all the masks I have worn my entire life? When you exist as a caricature of a person for the benefit of others, do you eventually lose yourself to the act, little by little, until "you" fade away leaving only 'the show'?"

So your writing hit me in a real place I am existing in, and it has made me consider those relationships that remind me that I am not a duck. Thanks for sharing.